INeedAttention.com

Politically, knowing when to quit is everything. I am not as good at managing my political image as someone such as George W Bush. This is not a political entry, however. I merely am not as good at being in the spotlight. It amazes me to no end that George W Bush lies through his teeth and has been for years, yet people believe in him as a leader. I argue that George W Bush is not a good leader.

Bush may be better at fitting in though, which is a frightening thought to me. Bush doesn’t have a website (that he maintains himself), and he likely rarely gets to give unrehearsed clips to the cameras. That’s wise on his part, for reasons two fold: first that he is a bumbling idiot, but also, that if he is a bumbling idiot in front of a camera, common sense dictates someone will use that footage against him. This however relates again to my situation: that due to frequent scrutiny, it’s difficult to get anything accomplished.

The scrutiny described here is the kind applied by others to others. Everyone universally is scrutinized by others, even in some situations where such questioning of a person can create major issues. Leaders should not have tarnished images. Leaders should be the diamonds of the system, placed prominently for all to see and held in the highest regard. Leaders like diamonds should deserve to be placed prominently and appreciated. Every morning, I wonder how I can earn the appreciation of my peers. The appreciation I seek is something different than conventional leaders, perhaps. I truly would like to change the world, and for the better at that.

But in the mean time, it’s hard to stay focused on why precisely I want to do that. Is leaving a legacy worth losing sleep (and hair)? If I wasn’t so sure that I could effect significant change throughout my lifetime, I would have killed myself by now. This however leaves me vulnerable to having to still effect change. I do not, however, limit the extent to which I could see myself effecting change. If tomorrow I were to wind up in prison or in a hospital, I would have time to write a book. My only wish is that I can leave something before I leave the world. American culture doesn’t seem to like things left behind from the past, however. Consider old folks, many of whom are brushed away into retirement homes or other places because their offspring choose not to directly care for them.

I want to leave such a significant impact on earth that my relatives don’t want to just put me into a retirement home. I want someone, at the end of my life, to treat me with dignity, and more importantly, I want to have earned that dignity. Also, though, I just want someone to be there. Lately, I’ve become especially discouraged in this department. A number of possibilities have come before me as to why I see myself as so lonely. The first possibility of course is that I am crazy, and that I am not alone at all. This possibility is only substantiated by the fact that if I did just disappear for a while, it wouldn’t take long for someone to notice I was out of contact unintentionally. A second possibility is that since I go to an engineering school, I’m exposed to an imbalanced group of people to be friends with. This of course is likely the frightening truth of the matter. A third possibility would be that I really am that weird to be around and that spending time with me is difficult.

A fourth possibility is that people perceive me to be desperate for the attention and therefore cut me off from it. This is the most intriguing to me. I need attention (dot com, baby). I get it, for sure. What I don’t get is how other people process that and why some people just really think that I’m that hard to get along with. Perhaps it’s because really I would tell them to their face that they don’t have to like me. I don’t believe people do have to like me. People do have to put up with it if they don’t like it though. I don’t like stupidity, material waste, emotional games, or high level math. I’ve put up with all of those to varying degrees. I do still put up with it.

In retrospect, I don’t know where I was going with this. You should tell people in your life you care about them. I particularly should tell girls that they look good more often. Girls should tell me back they are glad to hear someone thinks so. It is not special for a man to compliment a woman anymore, and it’s either clich� or creepy to give compliments sometimes.

I would like to be able to do something special for someone. The fact that I know I will do something special given enough time is what keeps me going. Tomorrow I will wake up and do and think about doing things that some people will only dream of, and the day after that, I’ll wonder what I could have done different. That is, after all, where I am: that constant meta-analysis and second-guessing has brought me to an inflection point. Fortunately inflection points can indicate an approaching upswing. Want to give me a hug now or what?