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Open Letter to Comedy Central c/o Viacom

April 22nd, 2010 · No Comments

Dear Viacom,

2009 was a rough year for me.

First you pulled Nick GAS off the air, but I understood that a television network that never ran advertisements was not long for this world, and moreover, I was ashamed that I watched so much Nick GAS, so I said nothing.

Then you canceled Reno 911 – which I guess made sense to you since you need a place in your lineup to stick “Tosh.0” and “The Jeff Dunham Show” – since the sum of both series are almost as funny as a single episode of Reno 911.

And then you released a “Star Trek” movie named “Star Trek”, which I foolishly paid to see in IMAX. The large screen allowed me to see every detail as you proceeded to tear apart Gene Roddenberry’s canon and replace the entire universal timeline and back story in one fell swoop with your hollywood blockbuster deus ex machina ending. But I was more into “The Next Generation” so I didn’t sweat it. Anyway, you’d already ruined “The Next Generation” for me years prior with “Star Trek Nemesis” – although perhaps I should be thanking you for that because seeing Nemesis in theaters cured my insomnia at least for one night.

I thought things would be different this year, but last night’s butchering of South Park showed me that you’re nothing but a bunch of ████ ███████ ███████, hiding from your own shadow. The mere threat of violence has you cowering like the █████ ██████ ███████ that you are. You know, I’m surprised I even watch your ██████ excuse for a network after watching ███████ ███████████ train wrecks like half the Friar’s Club Roasts this year.

But since you censored last night’s South Park, I am left with no choice. I am going to find you, and when I do, I am going to ████ ██ ████, ████ █ ██████, and cut off your tiny ███████ before I feed it to your █████, and then ███████ all over you and your accountant’s calculators and ███████ making her ██████ the ██████ █ ████████ █ until she’s begging you stop and you just can’t wait to brush your teeth. The smell of ███████ ██████ will haunt you in your nightmares – but you probably won’t be able to sleep because I’ll be ████████ by your ███████ so you can see me ████████ ████ ████████ like I was █████ and you were Lindsay Lohan’s nose. Do you have any idea how much that will ████████ █████? You’ll be ███████ out the ████████ and eating █████ like ████ were some kind of ██████ ████ █████████ covered in spicy buffalo ranch dressing – trust me, you don’t want the side salad. ████, the thought of it makes me ████. You think all that ████ █ ███████ is ██████ ██████ from the sky? You’ll be ████████ like an underage groupie getting ████ ███████ ██████ in the ███ by Uncle Jesse from Full House, excited DJ Tanner is videotaping. I’ll be ███████ you ████, and loudly – unless the Muslim extremists get to you first.

What’s the big deal anyway? Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.

Tags: Complaint Department · My Thoughts

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