INeedAttention.com

The air is getting colder, the days are getting shorter, and the lines at the McDonald’s drive-thru are getting longer. That’s right, it’s that time of year: McDonald’s Monopoly time. We’re pushing it to the limit, just like old times.

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Remember, it’s INeedAttention.com — spell it correctly, or Optimum Online will assume you wanted targeted ads and useless search results, not this hilarious blog. That’s right, Optimum Online now offers DNS hijacking at no extra charge!

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In my imagination, I’ve been asked repeatedly: why so few updates to the site lately? As a humorist, these days, my job is made obsolete, thanks to the hilarity that is Sarah Palin. Without even trying to, in the short span of weeks, she has established herself as a subtle comedic genius whose unparalleled ineptitude has appealed to the intellectually devoid American public.

Latte-sipping elitists like myself are frightened to think what happens if McCain wins the election, since he’s so old that he could literally go any minute now, we could wind up with ‘President Palin’. The sheer thought drives me to drink. And drink we will.

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If you know me, you know that I love Chili’s buffalo chicken salads. I was in the middle of installing two brand new terabyte hard drives in my PC when my hunger instructed me to purchase one tonight. I really wanted to finish up everything with the new hard drives, so I figured I could call Chili’s to-go to pick up my order.

I didn’t know the number, so I searched Google for “chilis”, but was shocked when I saw that Google was flagging Chili’s official website, chilis.com, with the warning “this site may harm your computer”.

I was intrigued by the idea that Chili’s now had IT staff dedicated to writing malware, but considering the effectiveness of Chili’s product placement in Austin Powers (2): The Spy Who Shagged Me, I had to find out more.

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File this one under “no purchase necessary”. Dunkin Donuts recently started their “Bases Loaded” promotion in some markets. Customers are invited to come in, buy an iced coffee (or some other products), and receive a peel-off instant win game piece that will either reveal a prize instantly, or reveal a code that can be entered online at the Dunkin Donuts Bases Loaded official game website. Prizes range from free food to baseball tickets to 46″ Sharp AQUOS HDTVs.

All corporate sweepstakes as opposed to lotteries require no purchase in order to play. This is usually buried in the fine print in promotional materials for the sweepstakes. However usually the official rules require that one sends a self addressed stamped envelope (SASE) to the promotion headquarters. The effort and cost of postage required to send SASEs usually outweighs the expected value of the game piece you’ll receive in return, but occasionally this is not the case. Notably, the authors of this blog made out like bandits by submitting thousands of SASEs to the McDonald’s Monopoly promotion when they were offering “Best Buy Bucks”. In that case, it turned out that for every $.80 in postage you spent, you would receive an expected $1.66 in Best Buy credit, in addition to any ancillary food prizes you would win.

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