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David Banach, Eat Your Heart Out; Just Don’t Eat Pizza Hut

May 27th, 2005 · 32 Comments

Towards the end of January, carried an article about Pizza Hut and how ridiculously overpriced they were. I hadn’t been back since, until last night – though you may curious as to why I decided to return, first, I’d rather discuss the circumstances around another incident that happened in January.

David Banach, 38, lived in New Jersey with his wife and children. He lived a rather plain life by most standards, working as a fiber optic cable tester. He owned a green class III laser which he used in the course of his job. The “class III” designation indicates that it’s more powerful than the traditional laser pointer that you’re used to seeing people use for presentations and being annoying in move theaters (those are class I). On the evening of December 29, 2004, David Banach was in his backyard with his daughters and apparently pointed his laser into the sky. He did the same thing again on December 31, 2004.

The problem was that a plane flying overhead at 3000 feet reported that they were ‘blinded’ by some source of green laser light on the 29th. On the 31st, a Port Authority helicopter was flying around Teterboro airport looking for the source of the light, and surely enough, they saw the beam and traced it back to its source. Within minutes, swarms of local, state, and federal authorities converged on the Banach residence and questioned David Banach. Within weeks, it was announced that he was being charged under the Patriot Act.

The Patriot Act, if you recall, was sponspored as anti-terrorism legislation. So considering statements made by the FBI indicating that there was no connection to terrorism, I’m a little bit confused as to why exactly he was charged. To quote, “Last month, the FBI and the Homeland Security Department sent a memo to law enforcement agencies saying there is evidence that terrorists have explored using lasers as weapons. But federal officials have said there is no evidence any the current incidents represent a terrorist plot.” If you’re interested in reading the actual complaint filed against David Banach it is available here.

So, why the title “eat your heart out”? Two nights ago I saw something that everyone in the New York Metropolitan area has probably seen a number of times. I saw lights pointed in the sky, rhythmically moving around, all to signal that something big is happening. It’s not the bat signal, it’s just a truck that has four incredibly intense rotating lights and a generator mounted on the back. This particular night, it was set up at the new location for Paul Miller Toyota in Monsey. I followed the light to its source and although I wasn’t interested in buying a car, I did have a rather interesting conversation with the operator of the vehicle. He told me that it cost as much as $175 per hour to rent such a vehicle and pay for his salary. “The company is huge,” he said, “We’re all over New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania; it’s big business.” Of course, remembering the David Banach case, I had to at least ask if he thought the devices worked. Did they draw people in? How far could people see them from?

“I’ve had people come on a clear night and tell me they saw it 40 miles away.” The man obviously had a great deal of experience pointing lights in the sky, and I believed him just because on Thursday night, it was overcast and even a tad foggy, and I was able to see the lights from Nanuet, when they were being shined all the way from Monsey, a distance of at least five miles.

I would be hard pressed to believe that David Banach’s class III laser, with an effective output power of 5mW, could have been even remotely comparable in output power to the intense lights mounted on the truck pictured below, especially considering that they required their own generator. The Register has published a collection of accounts that even explain that David Banach’s laser would have been nearly completely diffused at 3000 feet, one explaining that the beam would “produce a spot 8+ meters in diameter”, adding that from that distance it would “look like a very weak lamp”. The incredible power output by the truck, however, I believe would probably be more blinding, especially considering that it’s so bright that you can literally see the cohesive column of light reach up to the clouds.

This attractive rotating spotlight truck would produce a beam that would make David Banach jealous
The truck discussed above, putting out light so intense that it produces a solid column of light reaching to the clouds

So the David Banach case is a bunch of bull; another sacrificial lamb being slaughtered to remind us that the government can do what it wants, when it wants. Must it be so? The only hope for David Banach is that a jury of twelve of his peers might acquit him when they hear the technical details behind the case. Of course, I think that with all the resources of the federal government that it’s unlikely, although not impossible. It’s important not to forget that our system is unfair right now; you’re guilty until proven guilty.

But moving on to a lighter subject, the article published about Pizza Hut included a calculation of the smallest slice of pizza and how ridiculous it was. I only returned to Pizza Hut last night because I was given a coupon for a free large or extra large one topping pizza. Between that, and the breadsticks that I paid for, I paid only $2.96 for the entire meal. Of course, it was worth that: Pizza Hut sold me a pizza that contained a slice even smaller than the smallest on the last pie! The slice pictured below measured 5.5″ on its longest side, and about 2″ on it’s curve. Now, assuming that 5.5″ is the radius of the circle, that would make the circumference of the circle equal to 2*pi*r, or 34.5″. Considering the arc length was 2″ in this slice, or about 5.79%, we can safely assume that the slice pictured here has an effective angle of about 20.9� (5.79% of 360�). We can then calculate the area of the sector by using the formula A=(n/360)*pi*r2, where n is the number of degrees of the slice.

Using the above calculations we arrive at a startling figure. Look at the slice below, sure, it looks small, but…

This slice of pizza, 'purchased' from Pizza Hut, had an effective surface area of only 5.5 square inches.
This slice had a total surface area of only 5.5 square inches! The slice that was mocked in the last article was 163% of the size of this slice! Pizza Hut, you really need to wise up and realize that this is bad customer service. I’m glad that you lost money on last night’s transaction, because your business practices are underhanded and embarrassing. Pizza Hut, you are a shame to pizza all around the world – it’s no surprise that your offices refuse to offer comment on, or even acknowledge, this article, but believe me it’s egg on your face.

Tags: Scary Stuff

32 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Andrew // Jul 14, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    yo dude i work at pizza n who cares how big the slices r. first off jus eat a bigger slice n a smaller slice n then big slice plus small slice equal the same as 2 regular slices! plus do u really think we try to make our pizza look all that even. obviously most people who work there r teenagers who couldnt care less bout wut customers get. plus sometimes it gets busy n we dont have to time to make sure ur pizza slice follow ur perfect equations on how big a slice of pizza should be. seriously get a life n stop worryin bout how big ur pizza slices r.

  • 2 peteru // Jul 14, 2007 at 4:17 pm

    Andrew, it doesn’t take perfect equations to make pizza. I don’t eat at Pizza Hut anymore because of BS like this and because of pinheads like you. If I make just one person go find a better slice of pizza it was worth it to speak out.

  • 3 brittany // Aug 4, 2007 at 10:56 pm

    lmao. i work at pizza hut. no one there gives a shit how they cut your pizza and what you think about it. there more imporatant things in life to worry about how big a damn slice of pizza is. i agree with andrew. get a life.

  • 4 nick // Dec 6, 2007 at 12:47 am

    i work at pizza hut as well and i reckon that that kind of service is really bad, i mean, we’re only meant to cut 8 slices not 12, and whoever would cut stuff like that has got to be an idiot.

  • 5 Aoi // Jan 10, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    … Do you really care if your pizza i cut in half or in 10 slices? c’mon, yo’re just gonna eat it, so what’s te problem in there? Perhaps adding that extra cut wasn’t a great idea, but the pizza is still as good as it would be if it had 8 slices. Don’t worry, i’ll give you my adress so you can send me the next pizza that has an extra slice if you want to 😉

  • 6 random // Jan 12, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    Ive worked at pizza hut for the last 4 years and it is shit! If you want good customer service do not go to pizza hut! Im only working there until i find another job.
    But trust me, if your busy and on cut, you really dont care how even the slices are!

  • 7 Megan // Feb 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    Ha. I work at Pizza Hut too. Which seems to be the kind of comments this article is attracting, which just poses the question “Who the hell works at Pizza Hut and is googling it?”
    Anyways–I mostly work at cut table. Also known as.. well, the people that cut your pizza. Obvious enough, eh?
    And the thing is, I try to cut the pizzas into exact slices. But it is difficult when you have fifteen coming out at the same time and they’re about to fall off of the oven and you have delivery drivers complaining to the left and right of you.
    So you do have to realize that, if it was a busy night (friday, saturday, snowing, etc) they probably were in a hurry. Its not idiocricy, its the fact that we’re not given a lot of time to prepare a perfect piece of pizza.
    Other than that, I wouldn’t really eat there. I mean, have you looked at the caloric content? Good god.

  • 8 Moe // Feb 27, 2008 at 3:57 am

    Imma agree with Megan there, when its busy and ur cutting fast its not easy to get even slices. Thats why pizza hut changed its Large size cuts from 12 to 8, because people actually complain about uneven cuts, well guess what its not as easy as it looks to eye out where to cut a circular piece of pie with a bunch of crap on it. its like telling someone to draw a perfect circle. The service, well that depends on where you live and how the management is (franchise, corporate, etc.). However the fact that you are stating that service is terrible based on your biased opinion on the size of the slices is pretty pathetic. This is what customer satisfaction has done to our country, cheapass people go to fastfood expecting a 99c cheeseburger served on a gold platter with a 5 star service, 2 personal waiters and someone thats shining their shoes while they eat(obviously i overexagerate).

    Secondly, you say that pizza hut is overpriced? its like 15 bucks for a large that feeds up to 3-4 people. Last time i went to Carls Jr i payed 8 bucks for a medium size meal. So since ur such a genius with calculations and formulas go ahead and multiply 8 by 3 and you get 24, which last i checked is more then 15.

    Keep your useless bitching to yourself.
    YUM Brands > You

    [Editor’s reply: And, for the record, you owe me a shoe shining.]

  • 9 Nickole // Feb 27, 2008 at 10:19 am

    I work at pizza hut in small town, and we don’t have much business except on friday’s and even then it isn’t that busy. But let me say something…If you have time to make an equation about how big a freaking slice of pizza is you must be one of those 45 year olds that live in your parents basement. Grow up and get the hell over it. Its just pizza. Unless you don’t have the right toppings you ordered why the hell do you care how big the slices are. Its all going down the same. Be freaking grateful you even have a place to get pizza. If you don’t like your pizza take your business somewhere else. Trust me your not hurting the corporation. Is our world seriously going down hill so fast people have to fight over how big a slice of pizza they have when you have 10 other slices to choose from. Ugh you irritate me. GROW UP! I have bigger things to worry about then a SLICE OF FREAKING PIZZA, that by the way is going to look even worse when you shit it out! And next time keep your stupid opinions to yourself. You seriously made yourself look like an idiot by getting mad over this!

    [Editor’s reply: Indeed I’m humbled by your rhetoric that taking my business elsewhere doesn’t hurt the business. But you seriously made yourself look like an idiot by getting mad over this.]

  • 10 Bridgette // Mar 10, 2008 at 7:18 am

    I’m a pizza hut employee as well ( have been for three years) and i understand your complaint. I work as a cutter, waitress, cook, and receptionist. I am also the person who takes the orders over the phone and I hear all the complaints that come with those orders. So I have heard these complaints before and we really do care about what you have to say. idk about the other people, but we really try hard to cut everything as best we can, but we’re only human. We make mistakes, too. (mostly because of the heat of working next to a giant furnace and fatigue sets in quick, not to mention cutting yourself pretty bad when your muscles get too tired to hold the blade right anymore). So I agree with Megan that yes, it is extremely difficult to cut them accurately, but quickly, all at the same time but we try our damndest anyway. So please give us a lil bit of credit here and there- all we hear are complaints about orders being wrong, but never get so much as a thank you when we get it right. We go through thousands of orders every day and with a business as large and busy as ours, we’re bound to make mistakes and more often than the smaller pizza places. So keep that in mind when your doin your calculations and grumbling to yourself. We try our hardest and we really are sorry that it wasn’t made to your liking but thats life and hopefully you can overlook this one incedent. PIZZA HUT IS STILL AWESOME!! Give us a second chance and don’t break out the math formulas on us and we’ll b happy and so will u ^_^

  • 11 JR // May 7, 2008 at 8:46 am

    Considering the source of the majority of comments on this page, I’m definately NOT eating at Pizza Hut!

  • 12 JERRI // May 24, 2008 at 5:14 am

    Pizza Hut sucks! My husband and I quit going there years ago because of the crappy service. Usually just a bunch of kids with NO adult supervision. Too much to pay for that kind of service and too many other options!

  • 13 FIL // Sep 2, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    I know alot of people who stopd going to pizza

    hut. u know whats really funny is that the

    commercail shows perfect slices but they dont

    have it there its not a big deal or anything u know

    i just thinks its kind of funny how fake the

    commercal is. beacause it shows people smiling

    with good service but when u go there its suks.

    well i never actually went there but all this stuff u

    guys are saying really changes my mind i know i

    had the breadsticks there when i was little i just

    dont remember if i liked them. i bet i did i love


  • 14 Ron // Sep 6, 2008 at 11:14 pm

    That’s fine and all: high prices and crappy cuts… but where else are you going to find that delicious greasy pan crust? God I love that.

    On the cutting note… it really isn’t that hard to do it right, even in a hurry. They have the half-circle cutters that just roll along. I work in construction so having an eye for making things straight and even is my job. I’m supposed to make things pleasing to the eye. It’s actually very easy to measure with guesstimation after a short time doing it.

    But! Pizza Hut is really selling the taste and flavor as their primary point. The next would be speed of service. Presentation just isn’t very high on their priority list, given what they’re selling and to whom.

  • 15 Kirstie // Sep 22, 2008 at 8:18 am

    i work at pizza hut and i think that is sooooooooo pathetic. for a start ure pizza is exactly the same fuking size no matter how many slices it has been cut into u retard. also its only ment to have 8 slices and if ure such a fuking expert on pizza slices u wud know that. sad as.

    [Editor’s reply: Thank you, Kirstie, for clarifying the high intellectual standards that Pizza Hut has for its employees.]

  • 16 Jordan // Mar 10, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    I work at a pizza hut in canada and the pizza size is standard for the size. The reason the slice was so small was because the person who cut it did a sloppy job and did not cut perfectly even. This means that since this was smaller one of the pieces on the opposite side was bigger which made up for this. If you go to mcdonalds the hamburger isnt going to be identical to the one in the picture. so why dont u stop wining and be happy u have food becuase some people in third world countries would die to eat that piece, regardless of the size

  • 17 BONFYR // Mar 29, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Wow. Bitter people make me laugh and wonder. If you don’t like it, don’t get it. Please stop looking down your nose at those who either can’t spell or speak as well as others may, or just don’t want to spend the time (it IS a txt wrld). It makes you sound like you have some deeper issues. Is that true? True or not you seem like the kind of customer that would say “I thought the pizza was 13.99. Why is it 15 dollars?” America…taxes…ever bought something before? Pizza Hut is just like any other company. The management sets the tone. You continue to experience bad service/product, you need to move on. You go back, expect something different, you WILL be dissappointed. I’ve heard a definition of insanity that is simular to this behavior. All the math along with the “conspiracy theory” gives me (and others) the impression that you are a disgruntled ex-Pizza Hut employee. Even if it’s not true, as in the customer sevice business, PERSEPTION IS REALITY!
    BTW…the truck?…just pointing lights into the sky. No where near flight paths, as the FAA has strict regulations pertaining to this. The laser? Aimed directly INTO the cabin. See the difference? That idiot deserved to be strung up for all to see…guess he won’t do that again, will he?

  • 18 boshwah // Apr 16, 2009 at 12:55 am

    I work at pizza hut and have for almost two years now.

    I can understand how you would be at the very least disappointed with your pizza, and whoever was cutting it wasn’t in teh right frame of mind, but the resturant I work at always has a high standard of quality of foods, workers are neat and treat your food with care etc.

    I think its just the fact you have a shitty pizza hut .

    Come and eat at our restaurant and you will love it.



  • 19 Holly P // Jun 2, 2009 at 8:25 am

    You like….. really need to get out more.

  • 20 Daniel Taylor // Jul 16, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Hi, I too work at pizza hut but I work at the Oldham branch in Manchester, England.

    I just think that this is a poor poor use of your time. Complaining about the size of an individual slice of pizza when the size of each individual has nothing to do with the complete product. you could have 50 peices all of identical minute sizes, but the pizza would still be the same.
    Furthermore, you pride yourself on coming out having had one over on the hut because of your coupon?
    I regret to inform you that it would have been of the smallests of losses to us, if any at all, as the cost of our “raw products” is ridiculously small.

    Having said all this, whoever did cut that pizza should be shot on sight. I don’t know if its the same over there as it is in England but we are told to cut large pans into 8 peices, unless otherwise specified.

    Please come back to pizza hut soon.
    Your custom is greatly appreciated.

  • 21 Robert // Sep 6, 2009 at 10:12 am

    A laser beam is concentrated light and it has been known to mess with the instruments and controls of an airplane. I don’t think he was trying to blind the pilot…but he could have been trying to blind the instruments. You can’t compare a light beam to a laser beam.

    [Editor’s reply: Citation needed.]

  • 22 Tasha // Dec 6, 2009 at 11:34 am

    alright so i know pretty much every angle of this story has been covered but heres my take on it: i’m saddened by the fact that these chain pizza joints have taken over and many of the small pizzeria’s no longer exist. those places make all their own ingredients on site so they take great pride in the way their product is delivered to the customer. however, places like pizza hut, dominos, etc. typically hire people that will do the job for little pay and not make much of a fuss about anything. because these are the people making your pies i’m guessing they really dont give two shits about the quality of their work, and take no pride in what they produce. its rare to find someone who will work for min wage and actually care about how they are represented through their work. so as many people have said, for such a cheap place (and belive me it is cheap, a good pie at a good pizzeria will set you back at least $20, and hell, theres a deal at pizza hut right now where you get two med one top, and a small order of breadsticks for $15.. thats alot of crappy food) and yeah, as many people have said the stress that these corporate owned stores go through is ridiculous. every pie you get from pizza hut regardless of what city your in is “supposed” to look and taste the exact same. however like many people have stated when you’ve got more than a dozen pizza’s coming at you all at once and they need to be delivered within roughly 30-60 min, not to mention the time it will take the driver to get them to you, theres alot of speed going into getting that pie out as fast as possible, and i’m sure workers are exausted enough. i’m not saying that it doesnt annoy me when i get a pie that is cut in a terrible way or doesnt follow my exact order instructions (light cheese, extra sauce, etc) but like many people have said, if it bothers you so much then find another pizza place to eat at. after all, its really hard for a 16 year old to understand that your work reflects on your, and i’m betting that they really dont give a shit.

  • 23 josh // Feb 22, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    i also work @ phut. its too busy to be worring about slice size. you should be more concerned about that pizza lookin like shit than the size of the slices. if you had 30 pizzas coming out of two ovens and you the only one workin and all the pizzas are gonna burn, you would cut them even worse. you pizzas come out retarted baecuse most people that work there are retarted. its so stupid easy to make a nice pizza that people will love and think looks great (and fast), esp @ phut. its just that the workers are so lazy and dont care

    [Editor’s reply: Despite that I come across as a total douchebag for whining about the size of pizza slices, I give you a lot of credit for putting up with that kind of work environment. At least you see through the BS and can tell it like it is. Thanks for sharing.]

  • 24 Jason // Mar 12, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    WOW!!! are you serious??? I bet if you asked them to cut the pizza in four slices you could be amazed at how BIG they are! Don’t you you care about the quality and the over-all quantity of pizza you received for your $$? I just find it strange, as yea I agree they should have more even slices, but that’s small complaint compared to many that are worse that Pizza Hut deserves. Anyway I vision you as the rain man.

  • 25 Cory // May 16, 2010 at 8:02 am

    your an idoit bro, first off if we had to take the time to remake pizzas that we cut incorretly with the wrong surface area people would get more pisssed off, so sit down, shut the fuck up and eat your pizza

    [Editor’s reply: No bro, “your” an “idoit”, “your” just “pisssed” because you spell everything “incorretly”.]

  • 26 Lone Wolf // Aug 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    no one gives a shit about your perfect pizza quest, and the pizza hut where i live is great. you shouldn’t be such a bitch over one small bad expierience.

    [Editor’s reply: If you call that ‘pizza’, you’re the one missing out on a better ‘expierience’. I realized this article was the last time I ate Pizza Hut, and I don’t look back longingly at all. Find a real pizza place, you won’t regret it.]

  • 27 sally // Aug 15, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    I work at Pizza Hut, and I must say, I don’t care about how the slices come out. I’m not usually the cutter, but I am a cook-and I have to say it sucks. Pizza Hut really does not care about their employees, no raises, no bonuses, if you work your butt off one week and come in on your day off and stay late, they cut your hours to like 17 (this just happened to me) the next so really, why care? I hate that I get paid the same as the people who come in and don’t do their jobs, leaving that much work for the closer. I’m glad I’m not one of those people. In our P.H. if you come in the evening, things are just more hectic. We do work our butts off, especially with the 10. pizza deal-and when the rush is over the store’s a disaster:( The night shift must not only deal with that, but get EVERYTHING ready for the day shift-so they can have their precious hour of eating breakfast while on the clock time. AND the absolute worst thing is it is really like HELL in the back-the air conditioner does not work properly but they will not fix it and 15 minutes into a shift you are sweating like you just stepped outta the shower (yuck-while making your pizzas) and you have no time to take a break to drink fluids, so I ALWAYS feel about ready to pass out each shift (we actually had an employee who passed out several times from the heat.)
    Ok, sorry-I had to vent a little-btw I’m only at P.H. while job searching for something, ANYTHING, better!!

    [Editor’s reply: Vent away! Hopefully it was cathartic. Good luck to you in your job search!]

  • 28 Ike Gozinya // Nov 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    The comments emanating from the disgruntled employees of the Hut are disparaging, unfortunate and consistent with the shitfull and irresponsible demeanor of teens and young adults in the workplace. If I was on the corporate board of this company, I would identify every last one of you dissident non-conformers, and kick your asses into the gutter and right on to the unemployment line.

  • 29 Justin // Dec 20, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    With all those advanced math skills I think you forgot your basic math. A 14 inch pizza divided up into any size or quantity is still 14 inches when put back together. Now, use your formulas to calculate the size of a 14 inch pizza next time you got one at another pizza place and I’m willing to go out on a limb and say it’s going to equal…14 inches. Pizza Hut doesn’t have their own number system that actually equal something else.

    Also, you are allowed to tell them how you want your pizza cut. It’s not forbidden to order a pizza and tell them how you want it cut. Can’t just complain when it’s not how you want it but you never told anyone how you want it. Most pizza places don’t get complaints like this because most people are normal and don’t care or don’t actually make a point to complain to the restaurant if they do care.

    [Editor’s reply: You forgot to say “QED”.]

  • 30 Vissy // Jan 10, 2011 at 10:00 am

    For you Pizzapologists, judging from your texttard grammar, I assume all of you are complete idiots. If you dont think the shape of what you put in your mouth is important, then ask that your next Happy Meal come with one french fry the size of a burger, and to cut the burger into fry strips. Sucks, doesnt it? Just google “Pizza employee arrested” and most of them are Pizza Hut employees stealing identities of customers or putting vile things and body fluids in your food. Enough said.

    [Editor’s reply: if texttard isn’t a word yet, I think it is now.]

  • 31 SPOCK // Mar 27, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Im BA at cut table broke 2 peels and bent a knife, managers say i slam the knife down too hard, i say probs but im the only one that gets the pizzas cut all the way through and they dont let me on make anymore cuz i overtopp pizzas superbad plus people are more jhanked off when there are no slices than when there are little or big or too many peices, in my free time i cut them into odd numbers just for fun.

  • 32 steve // Apr 7, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Im a store manager at pizza hut and ive come to find out that the customers that are out to complain about everything get thy’re food looking crappy or messed up because of carma so before you start running your mouth about pizza hut maybe take a step back and look at what your doing to deserve that kind of service

    [Editor’s reply: I find that Pizza Hut store managers coming to this website complaining about customers have universally poor grammar and spelling skills so maybe they’re working at a Pizza Hut because they’re uneducated dolts.]

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